Dig Magazine

Issue date: 12/7/09 Section: In Depth

Make sure to pefect your happy face when opening a potential bad gift

The ugly Christmas sweater: the original awful gift

You know the gift.

It's at least two sizes too small, smells vaguely of pepper and… wait, is that a nail clipping hanging onto the edge there? Your first instinct is to burn this unholy vestige of familial gifts and to never speak of it again. But, you've got to fight your urges. It makes your eyes bleed and your skin crawl, but don't panic, there are ways to handle the infamous (and all too frequent,) "awful" gift. Everyone has gotten them, and if you're lucky, it's only once every couple years. Here are a few ways to politely receive these gifts without having to later banish them into that dark nook of your closet with all the other dusty, forgotten gifts.

First: Perfect the fake excitement when you open the gift. This is crucial. If you look disappointed or let down, then you are not properly accepting a truly terrible gift. With eyes wide open, mouth in a perfect "O," and lots of ecstatic hand flailing, these presents almost deserve a standing ovation-but don't go overboard. Usually, the key to balance is using vague statements and practiced excitement. You don't want to make a mockery of the gift giver, even if you really, really want to. Restrain yourself-- you don't want to be THAT person.

Second: If mockery occurs, abandon excitement and sincerely follow this next part. Thank the gift bearer. Practice some surprise faces in the mirror, recite some lines: "Mismatched socks! What I've always needed! How'd you know?" Fake that excitement for all its worth. The more awful the gift, the more you pretend to love it. Embrace the terrible gift, become one with it.

Third: Figure out what you want to do with the gift. Is there any way it's regift-able? Can you donate it? Can you actually use it in some way? (generally not for its original purpose.) Unless it's a fruitcake, a terrible gift doesn't tend to be regift-able. Fruitcakes are one of those things where it's tradition to pass them on; no one actually eats those rock-hard "cakes" filled with jellied "fruits."

There's the option of the "elephant gift," which is gag re-gifting it to your friends, so that next time a special occasion comes around, you stuff the blasphemous thing in a bright paper bag and hand it off to an unsuspecting friend. You risk getting it back on the next Christmas or birthday, but its only a year until you hand it off again, hopefully for good. Maybe someone will actually use it (the horror) or it manages to get "accidentally" thrown away.

Another option is to give it to charity. This might cause the person behind the counter to unnecessarily judge you for your poor taste, or worse yet, they'll know you're just passing off some awful gift onto those you think won't mind. If you're tough enough to put up with that, then go right ahead. It has the possibility of making someone else happy/terrified/disgusted. Worse comes to worse, you could always throw it away or manage to lose it, (much to your disappointment, of course.) This is probably a lot better than letting it sit around your house, festering in its own terrible juices.

If you do happen to get one or more of these awful gifts this year, then just take it in stride. Don't be offended at how little the person may know you or what they may be implying with the gift. Understand that even the best of us receive the ripped pantyhose, the garish Cosby sweaters, a used pen set, or the toothbrush and floss set. It's like a rite of passage-you just have to grin and bear it.

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